Careful with that thing

[soybean]

This is long but well worth the read ... Dear Friends, My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. And do not doubt me when I say this is a true story!!! Here goes:...... Once upon a time..... or at least..... Last weekend, I spied something at the local Pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for little lady. The occasion was another anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity... while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out....way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the destructions...err... directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my annoyance that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. It would stun no worries... but I wanted to see the blue electrical arc going from one prong to another! How disappointing! However, I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed the gun against a metal surface that Id get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Denise what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that the zap one gets from it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Spaz looking on intently
(trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Spaz) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Spaz for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Denise to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would supposedly make your assailant flop about on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way.......trust me...... but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well might heave a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Spaz looking on with his head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it mate!" Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad,(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight....always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and I'm pretty sure that King Kong burst in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Spaz was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You can't let go of the button until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor, then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) So that one second burst I was gunna' try... was probably more like five!!!!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (They were spread out all over the room), sat up and surveyed the landscape. The directions were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

[Gary]

Too Funny!!

I read three lines and went into a laughing/coughing fit.

Now I know what those two glowing objects up in the sky last weekend were. Come to think of it they were flying toward the North.

[BQS4]

Jarrell;
Next time we meet and I'm doubled over, laughing uncontrollaby, you'll know why!! ROFLMAO!!!
Gene

[benncojr]

OMG .... I have not laughed that hard in a long time. I had tears coming down my face!!

I think I saw those items heading south for the winter, they shrink in the cold north!!

[greensmurf20]

just dont post a pic of your self or we might all be pointing and laughing if we see ya!!! way too funny.

[Willy_g77]

i have a panther brand stun gun.. which is also 100,000 volts.. mine takes a 9 volt battery. and it has the blue current that goes across the two inner prongs... well about 5 of my buddys were sitting around with nothing to do.. so i break out the stun gun.. well not after having it out 10 seconds, someone says " i bet you 5 bucks you won't shock your self".... well dumb old me says show me the money. well the money was there. so i kick off my shoes and socks.. sit on the edge of my bed.. placed it on the palm of my foot...... "zap""crackle"and "pop".. i was now laying straight on my bed. it stuned me and hurt like HeLL... warning parents... dont let your kids purchase one like my mother let me... to much fun will come of it

[madhatterpdc]

I almost didn't bother to read your story, too long. But I decided that Gary's and Gene's comments conveyed enough humor that it would be worth my while.

That is a contender for one of the funniest 1st person stories I have heard since my friend Evan left for Alaska. He's the kind of guy that cut his leg with glass shrapnel when the beer bottle that was being used as a home made rifle silencer exploded.

About the time that you said you looked, and actually considered zapping the cat, I started to chuckle. From that point forward, I slowly started to laugh harder and harder until finally I couldn't read anymore.

I think this is extra funny becuase at some point we have all done something really really dumb. Maybe not 100,000 volts dumb, but dumb is dumb.

[ging]

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control.

This story almost had my husband lose control of bodily functions!! We were practically crying while reading... with all the static at this time of year we'll be doing some more cracking up every time there's a spark.
You know your wife should really appreciate how much you go thru to get her a gift and make sure that it works.

[Ooooner]

Jarrell,
It has been a while since I laughed that hard! It's even funnier because I know you. I guess the sad part of all this is that I can see myself pulling the same stunt!

[benncojr]

OK, It took me a little time but I found this on the internet. Jarrell are you the writer or you just found it and posted it?

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

[sawdust]

This classic has to be revived.