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Thread: Funny Stores

  1. #1
    Pedal Smasher Autoholic's Avatar
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    Funny Stores

    These were taking from another forum, some of these are priceless in comedic value. Enjoy.

    I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
    at the Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very
    upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
    I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
    would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
    She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
    mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
    order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
    daughter in to the Emergency room right away.

    ********************

    Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field
    decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
    successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they
    took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a
    Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that
    the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is
    activated when the raft is inflated.
    They are no longer employed there.

    ******************

    A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
    downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
    iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing
    in line waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
    worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
    the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
    Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
    waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
    Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling
    errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told
    him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
    written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
    either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
    Bank of America.
    Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. The
    Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a
    few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
    America.

    *********************

    Drug Possession Defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
    in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
    warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
    because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
    "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the
    same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge
    could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the
    pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to
    compose himself.

    *********************

    Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial in a district court
    for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he fired his
    lawyer. Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton,
    47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store
    manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up,
    accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown
    your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly
    added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20
    minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

    *********************

    R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
    showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
    Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
    officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his
    drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments
    later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen
    showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in
    St. Louis, Missouri.

    *********************

    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
    demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier
    put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
    wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
    put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I
    don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
    clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe
    him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of
    his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over
    and agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the
    scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
    loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
    and address of the robber that he got off the license.
    They arrested the robber two hours later.

    *********************

    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
    waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
    When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

    ************************************

    Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
    an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a woman new to boating
    was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just
    couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It
    wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in
    almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

    After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to
    a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

    A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect
    working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and
    down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the
    marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
    choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
    (wait for it........)

    (remember, this is supposed to be true.......)

    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the
    trailer!

    ***I wasn't sure if the last one was true at all, but Snopes had some interesting info.
    https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/its-a-boat-time/
    soybean, 2 Fast 4 U and kwschumm like this.
    "Autoholism is an incurable addiction medicated daily with car porn." ~Zeppi (myself)

    1973 Opel GT project car. Plans: 2.5L, Weber 38 DGAS, Getrag 240, Watts link, exterior color - Rainforest Green Pearl, interior color - tan

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  3. #2
    2000 Post Club soybean's Avatar
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    Good ones. Yep they are out there too.
    You lose your dreams, you lose your mind. (The Rolling Stones)

  4. #3
    Über Genius First opel 1981's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by soybean View Post
    Good ones. Yep they are out there too.
    And they vote...
    Opel GTs are not GM products
    ̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶— ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶ ̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶ ̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—
    Humans are not an endangered species!
    ̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶— ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶ ̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶ ̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—̶̶̶̶̶̶̶—

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  6. #4
    Pedal Smasher Autoholic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by First opel 1981 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by soybean View Post
    Good ones. Yep they are out there too.
    And they vote...
    That is the scary reality. I see too many idiots where I live. The average intelligence of your typical American is dropping. Like barely having a 5th grade reading level bad.
    "Autoholism is an incurable addiction medicated daily with car porn." ~Zeppi (myself)

    1973 Opel GT project car. Plans: 2.5L, Weber 38 DGAS, Getrag 240, Watts link, exterior color - Rainforest Green Pearl, interior color - tan

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