Oil Change Instructions
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Thread: Oil Change Instructions

  1. #1
    Site Founder Gary's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Swansea, MA
    Real Name

    Oil Change Instructions

    Oil Change Instructions For Women:

    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
    last oil change.
    2. Drink a cup of coffee.
    3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained

    Money spent:

    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00

    Oil Change Instructions For Men:

    1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
    2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
    drive home.
    3. Open a beer and drink it.
    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7. Place drain pan under engine.
    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10. Unscrew drain plug.
    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
    12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
    kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
    and twist off.
    16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
    can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
    18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
    pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
    in backyard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
    19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    gasket surface.
    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
    along with drain plug.
    27. Drink beer.
    28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
    dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
    patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
    lawnmower gas.
    29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    kitty litter on oil spill.
    30. Drink beer.
    31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
    rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33. Begin cussing fit.
    34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
    (1992) in the left boob.
    36. Beer.
    37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
    38. Beer.
    39. Beer.
    40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41. Beer.
    42. Lower car from jack stands.
    43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
    steps 23-43.
    45. Beer.
    46. Test drive car.
    47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48. Car gets impounded.
    49. Call loving wife, make bail.
    50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:
    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total-- $4165.00

    But you know the job was done right!

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  3. #2
    1450 Seeker... madhatterpdc's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Cape Cod, Mass
    You forgot the part about getting the wrong filter for your Opel and having to drive back downtown to yell at the parts guy, who is kind enough to nod like a bobble-head doll, tell you that the filter is unreturnable (it has oil all over and several dent marks from getting whipped across the garage). Also, is able to tell you with a straight face that he can't cross-reference the old filter that came off the car because you hammered a screwdriver through it.

    And we can't forget about the additional cost of having a new (and hopefully correct) filter overnighted from the opposite coast so that you can make it to work on Monday.

    But mere pennies in comparison to the DUI
    Keep it Blitzed

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